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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

She's just not that into you... or is she?

Women are weird creatures. We are strange, we are complex, and near impossible to understand. I admit this freely because you know what, it's the truth. Women can argue that it isn't true, but we make things unnecessarily difficult for ourselves in a lot of relationship-type situations. Why? Because it's how we're wired. Because it makes sense to us, and damn it, you as the boyfriend or husband should just understand.

But what if you aren't the boyfriend yet? What if you're trying to feel her out on the first date? An article on MSN claims to tell you how you can tell if she likes you or not. Unfortunately, most of this stuff just does not hold water. Here is how you can supposedly tell if she likes you:

1. She tilts her head (in any direction).

2. She takes a sip when you take a sip.

3. She twirls her hair.

4. She gets a glow.

5. Her pupils dilate.

Sometimes I really wonder where these dating columnists come up with this stuff, because I can't imagine that it's the real world of dating.

If your date "tilts her head", she might just be trying to find the waiter -- or the ladies room, where she can escape and call a friend to send her the obligatory "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" text message because the date is so horrible. There are so many reasons anyone, male or female, might tilt their head -- in any direction, no less -- that saying that any kind of head tilt is an indicator of romantic interest is ridiculous.

Sipping when you sip? Probably more coincidence than anything, and if she's purposely mirroring the timing of you drinking and/or eating, isn't that a little weird? I've certainly never timed my drinking patterns after my date. If I'm thirsty, I take a sip. End of story.

I think twirling her hair might possibly be the worst indicator of the five of these. Women. Twirl. Hair. Not all women, but a lot of them do, and they twirl their hair without even realizing they're doing it. I do it when I'm zoning out -- when I'm starting to think about something else, and am drifting towards La-La Land. If that would be considered a win for you, then fantastic. But these dating "experts" are reading too much into a small gesture.

The last two seem a little strange. Blushing and the dilating of pupils is supposed to be a failsafe way of knowing your date digs you? Don't think so. If her face gets all red and rosy, it does not necessarily mean "attraction". She could be hot. She could be blushing because you just said something that embarassed the heck out of her. Dilating of pupils might come about from being attracted to a man, as their expert claims, but I don't buy it. Pupils dilate out of fear, too. So what if her pupils are dilating?

There are also five signs she isn't feeling you:

1. She crosses her arms.

2. She places her bag between you two.

3. She speaks faster than an auctioneer.

4. She offers you a chin-up smile.

5. She strokes her neck.

Unlike the first five "yes, she is into you" signs, these are hit-and-miss. For instance, the crossing of the arms alone is not necessarily a red flag. If you're standing in the lobby of the restaurant waiting to be seated, and she's got her arms crossed while she chats amiably to you, I think you can relax. However, if she's leaning back in her seat, arms crossed, and glaring stonily at a point somewhere over your head, mumbling, "Mm-hm. Yeah. Right. Yup.", to everything you say, then you can safely assume that this chick isn't feeling it.

Placing her bag between you may just another case of reading too much into a simple situation, especially if it's a blind date, a first date, or any case where this girl does not know you prior to this date. Yes, as the expert says, it's a sign of the woman wanting to keep a bit of distance between you. No, it is not always a bad sign, unless this expert is expecting every single date to end with the girl leaping into your arms, kissing you all over while moaning, "Take me now!!" Women are going to want a respectful distance kept between them at first. Believe it or not, that's ok. It does not indicate a failure on your part.

Speaking quickly is a horrible indicator of like or dislike. Some people naturally speak unusually quickly, like my friend Sherry. She talks at an extremely fast pace, because that's just how she is. She's bubbly, and outgoing, and upbeat, and energetic, and her speech reflects that. A lot of people, myself included, tend to also speak hyper-fast when they're excited -- which is a good thing. Feel out her personality. If a girl's not feeling you, she's much more likely to not talk to you at all, and give you only one-word answers all night, than she is to suddenly start talking on fast forward.

Chin-up smiles? Like I just said, read her personality. Observe her (subtly -- not in that creepy stalker way). I know that you men are not a bunch of bumbling idiots with no power for perception. The bigger question when it comes to a smile is not chin placement (who comes up with this??), but whether it's genuine or not. If it's a fake, patronizing, condescending smile, you're likely to notice. Unlike these "experts", I know men are capable of being observant and perceptive -- so be observant and perspective!

Their last negative is if she starts stroking her neck. Sorry to burst this "expert's" bubble, but if a woman you are on a date with starts stroking pretty much any part of her body, I'd chalk that up to the win column.

So what do you take from all of this?

If you haven't figured it out yet, the recurring theme here is to open your eyes. It isn't that difficult to read people, and most women don't look at men like idiots who can't figure them out. If she is responding to the conversation, that's a good sign. If she's touching herself pretty much in any way, that's probably a good sign too. If she doesn't take your eyes off of you (except to glance down a little before glancing back up at you), that's probably also a good sign. If she's not smiling and staring at the wall over your head, or looking around so much you think she's going to get whiplash, it's probably not going well. If she's barely responding to anything you say, using as few words as possible, then it's probably not going well.

Again, the key here is to simply try to read her. No two girls are going to respond the same way to the same date. Yes, that means you have to think, but unlike a lot of contemporary dating "experts", I know that men are more intelligent than you are given credit for. So use that intelligence and you'll find it suits you well.


Anonymous said...

Want her to like you? Simple...get her to talk a lot about her favorite topic...herself. and if she's hot, tell her you love her MIND and if she's not, tell her she IS hot!! Got to figure out how other guys have treated her and do the opposite. Also, play the vulnerability card!!! And never be PUSHY!!!!!


Gags said...

Great post. I'm glad your back Cassy!

Anonymous said...

Pupils dilate when a person becomes sexually aroused. While certainly there are other reasons for pupils dilate, taken in context with her other body language this is a very positive indicator of your chances for nookie.

Arm crossing is a very bad sign, women cross their arms when unhappy, it is almost universal. I have a great deal of experience with angry women. Trust me when I say that this is a very bad sign.