The assault weapons listed on the Des Moines police report was a bag of Cheetos.
Patrick Hamman, 22, of 4904 S.W. 13th St., was arrested Sunday on a charge of domestic assault. Officers explained that the victim of the snack attack, Michael Hamman, lives with his adult son, Patrick and that they became involved in an argument Sunday night.
Patrick Hammon picked up a bag of Cheetos and threw it at his father, hitting him in the face, police said. It hit him in the glasses, causing a cut to the bridge of Michael Hamman's nose.
The police report said: "Michael's T-shirt was also covered in Cheeto dust."
You know, this could solve all of the liberals' problems with guns. Just supply everyone in the United States with bags of Cheetos to throw at people whenever they feel threatened or attacked. At the first sign of a tiny cut on their nose, they'll run screaming!
I can see it now: I'm walking down a dark alleyway, my trusty bag of Cheetos in my purse. A robber comes up to me and puts a gun to my head, demanding all my money. I turn around, stealthily take out my bag of Cheetos, and whip it at him, causing a cloud of Cheeto dust to explode everywhere, giving me time to escape!
I mean, who needs guns?
Chester the Cheetah would be proud that his beloved Cheetos were being put to such good use. I mean, after all... they are wild and dangerously cheesy!
Hat Tip: Liberty Pundit