Sports? Roller coasters? Oh, what IS a poor girl to do?!

This article on MSN annoyed the ever-lovin' crap out of me. It was a list of places you shouldn't take a girl on a date, and, well... I wanted to smack the crap out of the girl who wrote it.

Sports bars
When we’re with you, we don’t want to compete with the big game or struggle to hear you over a crowd of drunken sports fans. We’d rather be in a place where people are less likely to bump into our chair or spill beer on the cute outfit we put too much time into selecting. Likewise, we don’t want to feel ignored by our date because he’s watching his favorite team or can’t hear us because of that old 50 Cent song blaring from the speaker by our heads. The Buffalo wings are pretty much the best part of this experience, and they better be freakin’ outstanding.

Theme parks
In life, there are roller-coaster people and there are those who get queasy looking at the merry-go-round. Find out which one your date is before you take her to the nearest Six Flags to ride the Mind-Eraser. We know you’re eager to be the manly man as we clench your arm in terror while spinning upside down in a quadruple loop. It’s just that some of us are not aching to toss our cookies in the bushes next to the churros stand while you watch. Sure, we might get to know you better while waiting in those long lines, but we’ll probably have other things on our minds if our stomachs are filled with knots and our hearts are racing in anxious anticipation—like avoiding the next date.

Chain restaurants
We love a guy who wants to feed us and perhaps even more so a man who wants to pay to feed us. But if you take us to a place we can find in every major city where the interior always looks the same, you might as well feed us lattes at Starbucks. Fast-food joints obviously rank as the worst dinner choices, but corporate restaurants (oh, don’t make me name names… you know the ones I mean!) also lack originality and thoughtfulness. As a general rule, don’t take us to a place where we know what we’re going to order before we walk in. We’d rather be taken somewhere off-the-beaten path—where there are candles instead of fluorescent lights, and we don’t have to listen to Top 40 songs blaring from a speaker overhead. If you have no idea where those places are, remember—God created the Zagat Guide for a reason.

Gross-out comedies
We know you think the whole dinner-and-a-movie idea is infallible, but not if the movie completely grosses us out. You might find it funny when Ben Stiller is standing near a pier and a fish hook gets stuck in his cheek or when Johnny Knoxville jumps into a vat of plastic balls filled with venomous snakes—we don’t. Men and women have different senses of humor. Various studies have proven this, so try to respect this biological fact and refrain from making us indulge your Three Stooges sensibility for two hours. Your buddies may laugh, but we’ll simply be rolling our eyes.

Paintball
Yes, some women are members of the National Rifle Association. No, most of us don’t want to be moving targets on a date. We know you might have an urgent need to explore your inner hunter, but we’re gatherers—and those little pellets sting and leave bruises. Being shot by your date isn’t fodder for a romantic afternoon; it’s warfare.

Meeting your mother
True, it might happen eventually, but casually hanging out with your mother — wonderful as she may be — is not our idea of a relaxing time. Neither is getting tips from her on how to find a better hairstylist or job. Sure, she might make the best fried chicken or pasta primavera on the planet, but her long, loving gaze might make us feel less like family and more like we’re on the wrong end of a long microscope—especially if you take us to meet her on the second or third date. If you want to see your mom, that’s cool. Just don’t make us a permanent fixture in her house too early in the relationship or we’ll start wondering why you’re so busy showing us off, or worse—why her opinion of us matters more than your own.

Guys, if you really like us, you should be eager to sacrifice a few testosterone-driven activities to demonstrate your thoughtfulness and consideration. Nothing reveals those qualities more than respecting our dislikes instead of trying to railroad through them. That’s not too much of a chore, is it? Show us a nice date or two, and chances are we’ll be more than happy to share those Buffalo wings with you…

Good Lord, is this chick like, the most high-maintenance girl to ever walk the planet or something?! I would HATE to be her boyfriend if I was a guy. I mean, jeez... "chain restaurants" are forbidden? I can see it now:

Girl: "Are you serious? Come on... Olive Garden?! My God. You're such an asshole."
Guy: "But... I just wanted to take you out for a nice dinner... you know, my treat... "
Girl - "Yeah, but you didn't even think about how I've been to this place a gazillion times. You are so insensitive. Ugh."

And I didn't realize that us women are simply too "delicate" for theme parks. We're apparently sure to be scared and sick the entire times, and couldn't possibly enjoy ourselves. Funny, I was under the impression that theme parks are a helluva good time, and I can't get enough of roller coasters. That would be an awesome date, in my opinion. A sports bar would be, too. It's great: low-key, relaxed, laid back. The food's usually good and there's plenty of entertainment. I love sports, so I'd probably be perfectly content discussing whatever game is on at the moment. But if your girl isn't, there's probably a lot to do otherwise -- play pool, throw some darts, even take the chance to teach her about whatever game that's on. Make it fun. Make little wagers on various things throughout the game, and her playful side will probably come out.

And as for the lecture about comedies and paintball, well... most girls I know loved There's Something About Mary as much as the guys I know did. And oh, no! Heaven forbid a lady participate in a manly hunting sport such a paintball and get a -- gasp!! -- bruise!!

I don't know what this chick's deal is, but usually, if a guy is taking you anywhere on his dime, I'd think you would be grateful. It may not be a dream date. It may not be a perfect night. But he's spending his hard-earned money on you, and making a sincere effort to take you on a date that you'll enjoy -- so relax and enjoy it, and stop being such a high-maintenance bitch! If you're so picky, then next time YOU can pay for the date.

Oh, and the guy one was pretty lame, too. It wasn't quite as lame, but it was close.