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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Sports? Roller coasters? Oh, what IS a poor girl to do?!

This article on MSN annoyed the ever-lovin' crap out of me. It was a list of places you shouldn't take a girl on a date, and, well... I wanted to smack the crap out of the girl who wrote it.
Sports bars
When we’re with you, we don’t want to compete with the big game or struggle to hear you over a crowd of drunken sports fans. We’d rather be in a place where people are less likely to bump into our chair or spill beer on the cute outfit we put too much time into selecting. Likewise, we don’t want to feel ignored by our date because he’s watching his favorite team or can’t hear us because of that old 50 Cent song blaring from the speaker by our heads. The Buffalo wings are pretty much the best part of this experience, and they better be freakin’ outstanding.

Theme parks
In life, there are roller-coaster people and there are those who get queasy looking at the merry-go-round. Find out which one your date is before you take her to the nearest Six Flags to ride the Mind-Eraser. We know you’re eager to be the manly man as we clench your arm in terror while spinning upside down in a quadruple loop. It’s just that some of us are not aching to toss our cookies in the bushes next to the churros stand while you watch. Sure, we might get to know you better while waiting in those long lines, but we’ll probably have other things on our minds if our stomachs are filled with knots and our hearts are racing in anxious anticipation—like avoiding the next date.

Chain restaurants
We love a guy who wants to feed us and perhaps even more so a man who wants to pay to feed us. But if you take us to a place we can find in every major city where the interior always looks the same, you might as well feed us lattes at Starbucks. Fast-food joints obviously rank as the worst dinner choices, but corporate restaurants (oh, don’t make me name names… you know the ones I mean!) also lack originality and thoughtfulness. As a general rule, don’t take us to a place where we know what we’re going to order before we walk in. We’d rather be taken somewhere off-the-beaten path—where there are candles instead of fluorescent lights, and we don’t have to listen to Top 40 songs blaring from a speaker overhead. If you have no idea where those places are, remember—God created the Zagat Guide for a reason.

Gross-out comedies
We know you think the whole dinner-and-a-movie idea is infallible, but not if the movie completely grosses us out. You might find it funny when Ben Stiller is standing near a pier and a fish hook gets stuck in his cheek or when Johnny Knoxville jumps into a vat of plastic balls filled with venomous snakes—we don’t. Men and women have different senses of humor. Various studies have proven this, so try to respect this biological fact and refrain from making us indulge your Three Stooges sensibility for two hours. Your buddies may laugh, but we’ll simply be rolling our eyes.

Yes, some women are members of the National Rifle Association. No, most of us don’t want to be moving targets on a date. We know you might have an urgent need to explore your inner hunter, but we’re gatherers—and those little pellets sting and leave bruises. Being shot by your date isn’t fodder for a romantic afternoon; it’s warfare.

Meeting your mother
True, it might happen eventually, but casually hanging out with your mother — wonderful as she may be — is not our idea of a relaxing time. Neither is getting tips from her on how to find a better hairstylist or job. Sure, she might make the best fried chicken or pasta primavera on the planet, but her long, loving gaze might make us feel less like family and more like we’re on the wrong end of a long microscope—especially if you take us to meet her on the second or third date. If you want to see your mom, that’s cool. Just don’t make us a permanent fixture in her house too early in the relationship or we’ll start wondering why you’re so busy showing us off, or worse—why her opinion of us matters more than your own.

Guys, if you really like us, you should be eager to sacrifice a few testosterone-driven activities to demonstrate your thoughtfulness and consideration. Nothing reveals those qualities more than respecting our dislikes instead of trying to railroad through them. That’s not too much of a chore, is it? Show us a nice date or two, and chances are we’ll be more than happy to share those Buffalo wings with you…

Good Lord, is this chick like, the most high-maintenance girl to ever walk the planet or something?! I would HATE to be her boyfriend if I was a guy. I mean, jeez... "chain restaurants" are forbidden? I can see it now:

Girl: "Are you serious? Come on... Olive Garden?! My God. You're such an asshole."
Guy: "But... I just wanted to take you out for a nice dinner... you know, my treat... "
Girl - "Yeah, but you didn't even think about how I've been to this place a gazillion times. You are so insensitive. Ugh."

And I didn't realize that us women are simply too "delicate" for theme parks. We're apparently sure to be scared and sick the entire times, and couldn't possibly enjoy ourselves. Funny, I was under the impression that theme parks are a helluva good time, and I can't get enough of roller coasters. That would be an awesome date, in my opinion. A sports bar would be, too. It's great: low-key, relaxed, laid back. The food's usually good and there's plenty of entertainment. I love sports, so I'd probably be perfectly content discussing whatever game is on at the moment. But if your girl isn't, there's probably a lot to do otherwise -- play pool, throw some darts, even take the chance to teach her about whatever game that's on. Make it fun. Make little wagers on various things throughout the game, and her playful side will probably come out.

And as for the lecture about comedies and paintball, well... most girls I know loved There's Something About Mary as much as the guys I know did. And oh, no! Heaven forbid a lady participate in a manly hunting sport such a paintball and get a -- gasp!! -- bruise!!

I don't know what this chick's deal is, but usually, if a guy is taking you anywhere on his dime, I'd think you would be grateful. It may not be a dream date. It may not be a perfect night. But he's spending his hard-earned money on you, and making a sincere effort to take you on a date that you'll enjoy -- so relax and enjoy it, and stop being such a high-maintenance bitch! If you're so picky, then next time YOU can pay for the date.

Oh, and the guy one was pretty lame, too. It wasn't quite as lame, but it was close.


RebelAngel said...

Blech! I suppose, if I were a guy, I would hesitate to do most of these until I knew a girl better and could gauge her reaction.
I understand that movie tastes vary. I can see that. You might want to stick with a lame chick flick if you don't know for sure what she likes, or better yet, let her pick the movie.
As far as other activities, it depends on the girl, but if you don't know her well, how are you supposed to know whether she would like weird "off the beaten path" crap? And to tell a girl that she is too girlie for paint-ball could get a guy kicked in the groin for sexism.
So, for a first date I guess I would take her to Olive Garden and if she was so prissy as to object, on the basis of its run-of-the-milledness, well, then that is not the girl for me to spring for $25 or so to get into Six Flags or take to meet my mom.

I would wait for the girl who cared more about ME than what we did, and who cared less about HERSELF than that we got to spend time together.

Cassy, I do not read these types of articles (as I do not want to get so upset as I know they would make me) Was this chick really writing to speak for all girls? Tell me this isn't what is standing for all of us out there!

Charles said...

Ha! I am glad I found this blog, Cassy.

Nunya said...

I found the piece well written and entertaining. She is a professional journalist, book author, and musician. Sounds like a pretty interesting young lady...and easy on the eyes, too. I'd be proud to take the "high-maintenance bitch" somewhere other than The Olive Garden.

Sarah said...

I'm a girl. I like beer, rollercoasters, Jackass, the shooting range, and Hooters. If a guy tried to impress me by taking me to a chick flick and an uppity restaurant, I wouldn't be so interested. Thank goodness my husband never read anything like this before we dated. For my last birthday, he bought me a Kid Rock CD, took me to the pistol range, and then out to Texas Roadhouse (a chain!) for a big steak. Now that's a birthday.

Joe said...

So basically, this girl's attitude is "I don't want to know what YOU like; dating is all about impressing ME." Uhh... I'll pass.

RB said...

Dinner at In-N-Out, then back to my place to watch Road House.

A.G. Clifton said...

Can we go to Six Flags with your mom? Ha, or paintballin' with our exes?

wigmon said...

I guess the strip club with your buddies is definitely out for this up tight chick huh?

Anonymous said...


You nailed the girl one, so 'nuff said on that. The guy one was obviously written by a metro girly-man, without an ounce of class. Oh, DON'T take us hiking...there might be bugs. Ooooo, ickey. There might be coyotes. I'm SCARED!!! Waaa, I don't wanna dress up and go hear some fat guy sing in a foreign language. I wanna dress all gangsta and listen to some tone deaf moron wail about his hos an' bitches...

A real man would take bug spray into the great outdoors, and have enough firepower to deal with a freakin' coyote (or a pack of wolves, as far as that goes) for Pete's sake. As for getting dressed up and injecting some culture into your life - why not (especially if your lady is into it). Geez dude, grow up.

Jarrod said...

I take girls on a first date to watch the local major league baseball team. If they can't fight through that (especially since they haven't historically been all that good) then it's not worth it.

If things go well and she's into the baseball and has a nice personality and whatnot then I know I've got a keeper. If she's just insufferable...well at least I'm at a game and life's always better at the ballpark.

If it's not baseball season then the action happens at this great Mexican place with a mariachi band. If a girl doesn't dig mariachi then she's just not worth it.

Uriah said...

I use the first few dates for screening purposes. If our tastes in entertainment are too different, the relationship is pretty much doomed. If I find a girl that will go to the pistol range with me on the first date, I'm gonna marry her.

Denise said...

I'm sure glad my husband didn't read this list. We often went to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City, even though he hated the roller coasters. We both really enjoyed (and still do) action-adventure movies and sci-fi (saw Star Wars at least 10 times). We got engaged at McDonalds after playing miniature golf. But what do we know? We've only been married 31, almost 32 years!

Ed said...

Nicole uses "We" alot in her article like she has some kind of experience in the subject.

I predict she'll be lonely into her child bearing years and later to to women for love.