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Monday, October 22, 2007

Alpha females: get off your high horse

So, this morning I was doing my daily check in with my favorite blogs when I happened across Hot Air -- specifically, Hot Air headlines. Today, a story was linked about how Alpha females can't find lasting love because men are "intimidated" by successful women.

Could these women possibly be any more predictable?
They'd had a perfect evening. The wine and conversation had flowed easily and when Clare Connell gazed across the restaurant table at her new beau, a successful merchant banker, she couldn't help wondering if he might be the one.

"It was then that he dropped his calamitous bombshell," recalls Clare, 30, an ambitious and highly successful City management consultant who earns over £200,000 a year. "He said: 'I don't know why women bother having careers. My mother never worked.' And just like that, I realised that he was sadly like many other Alpha males I meet. He didn't want a partner who was his equal, he wanted a Beta female - someone who would pander to his ego and look up to him. In short, like many successful men, he didn't want a confident business person like himself, but a woman who will stay at home and wash his socks."

Needless to say, it sounded the death knell for that relationship.

Clare is not alone. According to Nicola Cairncross, a speaker on women's finance and author of the book The Money Gym: The Ultimate Wealth Workout, the more successful a woman becomes, the harder she will find it is to meet the right man; and, she warns, the more likely it is that any relationship will founder.

Ms. Cairncross, who runs seminars aimed at helping successful women cope with their wealth, says: "Sadly, the clever, attractive Alpha woman who has set her sights on an Alpha man is likely to be very disappointed. Alpha men come home at night after a day of competing in the boardroom and the last thing they want is to compete with an assertive wife as well. He wants an easy life, someone to stroke his fevered brow, and that means marrying a feminine, girly Beta woman who doesn't have the masculine competitive traits of her Alpha sister."

Hearing women whine and complain that men don't want successful women gets on my last nerve, especially the women like this Clare Connell. Guess what, Clare? People have bad luck in relationships sometimes. It will probably take you a long time before you find your Prince Charming -- I had to kiss nothing but toads for five + years before I found mine.

Here's the advice I have to these Alpha females. If you keep going on dates with attractive, successful, smart men who keep rejecting you, didja ever stop and think that, hm, maybe the problem is you?

No, no, no, no, in today's politically correct, more enlightened world, if a man turns down a successful woman, it must be because he's intimidated by her. It couldn't possibly be because maybe she came on too strong, or seemed too needy. It couldn't possibly be because maybe they just wanted different things out of life, or that maybe he just didn't feel the spark. Nope, it's gotta be because he's intimidated by her success.

Because, you know, all Alpha men just want a woman who will lovingly do their laundry, cook and clean for them, pop out kids, and smile the entire time without ever offering a negative opinion. At least, in these women's eyes, that's how Alpha men are.

Take the situation offered. Alpha Male gives an opinion that is just shocking -- shocking, I say, shocking! His mom never worked and he thinks it's the best for a woman. Rather than showing some backbone and having a lively little debate with Alpha Male, or maybe giving him the chance to explain why he feels that way, Little Miss Alpha Female neatly puts him into the same box that she puts every other Alpha Male into without a second thought.

He thinks its best for women to stay home? He must hate all women! He can't take it when a woman is successful! And all of this can be ascertained because Alpha Male has an opinion that Alpha Female disagrees with.

Gee, maybe I missed something, but I thought it was ok for people to disagree occasionally.

And what's interesting is that these Alpha women don't want Alpha men, either. They want the Beta male as they simultaneously castrate the Alpha male for wanting a Beta female. And really, what is so horribly wrong with that? OK, so this guy would like his wife to stay home. To modern-day feminists, that's blasphemy. But really -- what is so wrong with a man preferring for his wife to stay at home? We all have ideals for what we want our families to be. Unless some guy has advocated putting a doggie collar around your neck that will electrocute you if you leave the house, I don't think most men have any intention of forcing their wives to stay home. I think most men are perfectly happy to let their wives do whatever they choose when it comes to working or otherwise.

I also have never (yes, never) met a single man who wanted a girlfriend or wife who would just smile and nod and do whatever he wanted. I have never encountered one of these men. I've never dated one, I've never been friends with one. From what I can tell, most men prefer a strong woman. Most men want a woman who isn't an idiot, who has opinions, and who is his equal, whether she stays at home or works every day. What feminists cannot seem to wrap their minds around is that a stay-at-home mom isn't a mindless drone. Maybe this guy that Clare Connell wrote off so easily grew up seeing his parents have a fantastic marriage, where his mother complemented his father. But no, he thinks a woman should stay at home, so he's an evil, woman-hating jerk who is intimidated by a successful woman.

Another woman in this article whines that a boyfriend left her when her business took off, claiming that he said he resented the amount of time she was spending on her business. I'll presume that as her business took off, it took up more and more of her time, giving her less and less time with her boyfriend. Could it be possible that maybe this guy simply wanted a girlfriend who would make him a priority, and not throw him on the back burner whenever work called? Gee, what a jerk.

The same woman said that several men have told her she is "scary" and "intimidating". I usually find that people who come across as "scary" and "intimidating" seem that way because of how they present themselves. Maybe she oughtta take a look at her attitude and mannerisms so she doesn't come across quite as "scary" and "intimidating".

Of course, plenty of these enlightened women would probably castrate me for all of this. We shouldn't have to change who we are, they'll say. Your boyfriend probably keeps you down and hates women, they'll say. You aren't a strong woman, and that's why you're letting them off the hook, they'll say.

No, no, and no. A big part of making relationships work is compromise, and if these women are completely unwilling to compromise any part of themselves, then no wonder men run away screaming. Only one woman in the article suggested that compromising could be the key to making a relationship work for these women. Compromising is not the same thing as pandering to a man's ego, which is how these "strong", "enlightened" women undoubtedly see it. And, for the record, my boyfriend does not keep me down or hate women, and he loves my career. He's my biggest fan. (So there!)

My advice to these Alpha Females who can't keep a man? Get off your high horse. Take your ego down a few notches. Cut Alpha Males some slack and actually give them a chance. Maybe let them see your softer side, rather than the confident, assertive side (it's all about balance).

But hey, I'm just a chick who writes blogs for a living. I'm not a guy, and I can't really say I know what a man wants. But I think the aforementioned advice will help these ladies out a lot.

For all you Alpha Males out there -- how would you advise these women to finally be able to keep a man?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The other option is that the guy was trying to see how she would react to a differing opinion. is she going to fold or fight, does she listen to you or does she ignore your opinion. how she reacts is indicative of what kind of woman she is, and whether she is looking for an equal partner or a follower of her own.

Kevin said...

Agree with first comment, but ultimately I think it boils down to these women in particular taking themselves too seriously.

A relationship can take work, but it shouldn't BE work. Calm down, have fun. Quit looking at the male as "competition".

Toa said...

Classic symptoms of narcissism; taking offense at everything, thinking everyone is jealous of you, expecting from others what you will not require of yourself. This new crop of "Alpha Females" has been taught through the years that these, and other even worse traits signify power, when in reality they signify irrational self-absorption and anger. No man in his right mind wants to get close to a gal like that; it's as much of a turn-off as this phony "cosmetic surgery" that is supposed to be so "alpha" these days.

Sorry- I guess I'm just old-fashioned...

James said...

I am inclined to agree with many of the other comments, but what Toa said really strikes out. Classic narcissism in its most base form. My take is these women are the kind who spend their entire time achieving the next step on the ladder to the neglect of everything else, convinced that they are the only ones smart enough, good enough, ad naseum to get the job done right. Unwillingness to compromise on business relationships or personal relationships smacks of the arrogance that they are always in the right. Ultimately, most people just kinda wish they would go away and take a really long vacation.

lardog88 said...

I found this comment by Clare interesting.
"But the problem is finding him. The type of traditional man I like - someone equally successful or more successful than me - often has a big ego to match and sees a woman like me as too much of a challenge.

"And then there's the fact that because I'm financially independent, I don't 'need' a man to look after me. It probably makes me very choosy."

Note the comment "equally or more successful than me". That is her problem right there. She's not looking for love. She's looking for a male to breed with and that is her biggest road block to a serious relationship. She has narrowed her field of men to choose from so as to clear out most available men. How many single guys out there making $2.5 million that AREN'T full of themselves? Good luck lady.

COPioneer said...

What about us "Beta Males"? :-) I guess we just want to have fun!