Dover, New Jersey has found the real threat, one we should be focusing all of our attention on: gumballs.
Three Dover officials say they've found a serious homeland security threat to chew on: gumballs.
They worry the colorful round treats could be poisoned by an enterprising terrorist who sees them as bait for unsuspecting targets -- young kids.
So, with the approval of the mayor and the skepticism of the police chief in this central Morris County town of 18,000, the three aldermen are in the middle of a nine-month inspection of Dover's coin-operated gumball and candy machines. Thus far, they have surveyed 103 local businesses about their machines.
Led by Alderman Frank Poolas, who envisioned the project and enlisted the aid of fellow Aldermen Jack Delaney and Michael Picciallo, the trio began their investigation six months ago and plan to report their results to Mayor James Dodd Jan. 1.
Already they say they've discovered more than 100 unlicensed coin-operated machines in town -- many filled with gumballs, jawbreakers and other candies they call perfect for potential terrorists.
However, Police Chief Harold "Butch" Valentine said the police department has no reason to believe terrorists are even contemplating contaminating candy.
"We've never received any information to the contrary. The gumballs are safe," he said.
The odds are remote that candy machines would be targeted by terrorists, he added. "You'd probably win the lottery first," Valentine said.
Thomas Zellman, director of the Morris County Department of Law and Public Safety, agreed that gumball machines are "certainly not" a threat to homeland security.
While sticky local issues such as overcrowded housing, taxi ordinances and redevelopment projects have dominated past elections in Dover, Poolas called gumball machine inspections a "high priority."
So let's see... there have been no suspicious looking gumball machines, no complaints of machines seeming to have been tampered with, yet these asshats see them as as a target for terrorism?!
Forget ferries and 747s. Imagine the havoc and terror Al Qaeda could wreak if they got a hold of... gumball machines!!!!
Therefore, Poolas thinks that we must make sure that each and every single gumball machine is licensed. And it isn't about squeezing out a few extra tax dollars, no sirree -- this is for the children.
Hat Tip: Moonbattery