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Thursday, July 5, 2007

How to (successfully) pick up a woman at a bar

MSN.com has a feature today on how to buy a woman a drink, obviously as a pick-up tactic:

If you're deploying the phrases "body shots," "tequila shooters," or "Come here often?" then you're doing it wrong.

Have the bartender — always the bartender — deliver another of whatever it is she's already drinking. If it's the bottom-of-the-barrel kind, upgrade. Nod your head as she takes it. Smile a little. Do not grin. Let her get used to the idea of being appreciated by a stranger before you come any closer. You are, in effect, taking your hat off to whatever it is about her you find so captivating — something you wouldn't be afraid to share with her. The way she lets one shoe dangle from a toe as she crosses her legs on the bar stool or the deftness with which she twirls the little red straw.

No matter what kind of girl she is, she'll find your gift flattering for the simple reason that she likes the door opened for her — though she'd like to have some choice in whether or not she's approached any further. Now that she sees you at the other end of the bar, she can't help liking the first impression.

You? You wait. You fish the big river with only the smallest glimmer of expectation. You step into the current with a kind of caution. Maybe you catch the fish and let it go. Not because you've had your way with it, but because you respect the grace and dignity with which it cuts a path through the stream.


This article gets it right and wrong.

Here's what is right. Absolutely do not EVER use the phrases "body shots", "tequila shooters", or "come here often", just as she said. And by all means, send over a drink from the bartender. It's a smooth little move guaranteed to impress.

But from there lies the problem.

You see a cute girl at a bar, you send her over a drink. You know what my friends and I would do? Smile at whoever sent it over. Drink it. And that's it. End of interaction.

See how that creates a problem? Most women -- obviously not all women -- want to be approached. I love the concept of sending a drink over from the bartender, it's very classy. But you have to follow it up. Give it a few minutes, and then head on over to say hello.

Now, this has nothing to do with women being incapable of picking up a guy, or not strong enough, or any of that feminist crap I'll undoubtedly hear about how a guy doesn't always need to be the one doing the approaching.

No, the reason the guy usually needs to be the one doing the approaching to show that you are capable to taking the lead. It isn't that we can't -- but we want to know that you can. Most women won't be interested in a wussy man who is so intimidated by us that he can't walk over and say hi.

Speaking of which -- that is all you need to say. That's the best pickup line there is. No corny lines, no stupid phrases. No "I noticed you from across the bar"... none of that crap. A simple, "Hi, how are you doing? My name is ____________ " will be plenty. Most women -- or at least, women worth talking to who aren't totally rude -- will fill in here with however they would like to respond as to whether or not they are interested.

Obviously, there are some absolute don'ts when it comes to picking up a girl at a bar. I'll draw from personal experience here.

DO NOT, ever, and I repeat that, EVER, touch a girl at a bar you don't know and have never met.

I'm sure it seems obvious enough -- men do it anyways. It's one of the reasons I stopped going to clubs. You can't go and dance with your girlfriends without some... well, you know what... thinking he can grind up on you and put his hands in places they do NOT belong. Some girls are too timid to push you away. Not me -- I'll slap you across the face so fast you won't know what just happened. Any guy who thinks he's allowed to grab your butt, breasts, or pretty much anything else deserves it, and yes, this actually happens.

DON'T walk up to a girl and just start dancing with her. A friend of mine has a great move for these guys -- she stops dancing. In the middle of the dance floor, she completely stops what she's doing, turns around, and stares at them until they go away. If you're at a club and want to dance with a girl, ask. I promise, no one will get mad if you ask to dance as long as you are respectful. Walk up to her and say, "Hey, would you like to dance?" If she says yes, dance with her and have fun. If she says no, walk away.

Also, keep your clothes on. Again, seems obvious, but it happens. A few weeks ago at the bar I do karaoke at every week with a group of friends, a guy (more than likely hammered) decided to take his shirt off and dance around like an idiot. No girl is going to want to talk to the idiot who danced around shirtless (or missing any other articles of clothing).

That brings me to another point. If you want to pick up a girl, don't get hammered. Unless she's drunker than you are, she isn't going to be interested in a guy who can't speak with slurring or spitting, or being able to walk straight... so on and so forth.

So, how do we sum all of this up?

I'm sure it comes off like all women are unapproachable, but that isn't the point I am trying to make. Most women automatically have their guards up against creeps like guys mentioned above. If you are confident, respectful of her boundaries, friendly and charming but not corny, and of course somewhat sober, most women will reciprocate by being friendly, even if it is just to turn you down (not all women in bars are single, after all). I, for example, am a taken woman, but if a guy is nice and respectful, I won't be a total bitch to him. I'll still turn him down, but nicely -- and probably steer him towards one of my single girlfriends.

Follow these guidelines and you'll be sure to find success.

UPDATE:

Reader Don_Cos left a comment with a GREAT pick-up technique. This is a really good one -- I actually love this one. Emphasis added.

I simply stumbled upon something that works wonderfully. I noticed one evening that a young lady (who was a regular at a club I frequented) was being bothered by a man who had to be at least 20 years her senior. She was politely trying to brush him off, but was having no luck. As the DJ put on a new song I walked up to them, held out my hand and said “remember you promised me this dance.” She had seen me around so knew that I wasn’t a trouble maker, so she took my hand and lead me out to the dance floor. We had a nice dance and a brief chat while dancing (It was a slow song). She thanked me for “rescuing” her, and we went our own ways.

The next time we were both at that club, she came and asked me to dance. And even though we eventually moved on to other people, we had a good time and remained friends.

The key to this is that you must be absolutely certain that she wants to be “rescued.” And you must be willing to walk away once the “rescue” has been accomplished.


Great tip, Don, thanks!!

4 comments:

Don_cos said...

I simply stumbled upon something that works wonderfully. I noticed one evening that a young lady (who was a regular at a club I frequented) was being bothered by a man who had to be at least 20 years her senior. She was politely trying to brush him off, but was having no luck. As the DJ put on a new song I walked up to them, held out my hand and said “remember you promised me this dance.” She had seen me around so knew that I wasn’t a trouble maker, so she took my hand and lead me out to the dance floor. We had a nice dance and a brief chat while dancing (It was a slow song). She thanked me for “rescuing” her, and we went our own ways.

The next time we were both at that club, she came and asked me to dance. And even though we eventually moved on to other people, we had a good time and remained friends.

The key to this is that you must be absolutely certain that she wants to be “rescued.” And you must be willing to walk away once the “rescue” has been accomplished.

Cas said...

I like that one!!! That's GREAT!

Joel said...

What, you mean women aren't impressed by choads who think that taking off their shirts and showing their ripped abs is the manliest thing around? I'm shocked.

David said...

Uhh... so Don and his rescued girl had a fling and moved on to having non-marital sex with other people.

That's great. I thought this was a conservative site.

Apologies, I'm not usually this condemning, but I have three daughters, I got my lovely Latina pregnant when I was 20, and I stuck to my guns and absolutely love every moment of every day with my family. It would have turned out so differently if I'd run off.

It's honestly not that hard to find some woman willing to let you in her pants. It's also ultimately unfulfilling, and uhhh, a Priest or Pastor might have a few words for you.

Research has shown that the more sexual relations people go through before they marry, the more likely they are to go through divorces. I'm no saint on that - but my lovely Latina is, thank God.

At any rate, keep up the class acts.