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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Kissing for Men 101

The other day, I was talking to a (male) friend of mine about a recent blog post from Right Thinking Girl about how many men seem to have small penis syndrome. The discussion gradually turned to kissing, and how so many men seem unable to do it well:

Cassy: guys can do some nasty stuff when theyre kissing that i just do not understand
Friend: like what?
Cassy: like... shoving their tongue all the way down your throat
Cassy: ughhhhhhhhhhhh
Friend: and u don't like that? =D
Cassy: ew, no... no girl does lol
Cassy: or when theyre trying to like, play with your tongue with their tongue or something. its like, NO. just DONT DO IT.
Friend: really? I always liked doing that
Friend: now you're going to give me a complex


After that conversation, I got to thinking. Men must not realize what makes a guy a bad kisser. And let me tell you: a bad kiss will ruin it. You can have the best first date in all recorded history, with the best chemistry any couple has ever felt together. But if you end it with a horrible kiss, all of that will be erased and I guarantee you both of you will leave feeling disappointed. A good or bad kiss can make a huge difference.

So, I figured I'd try and help out. Last night, I asked a bunch of my girlfriends to tell me some of their worst kissing experiences, and they were more than willing to rise to the occasion. Apparently, bad kissing plagues many women, so this post must be needed.

Here's what they had to say were the worst things a guy could do to ruin a kiss (and these are direct quotes!):

  • Slobber all over you!
  • Use their teeth too much, so you feel like you are kissing teeth.
  • SLOBBER. Take a sec. Swallow. Resume. It's called multitasking.
  • OMG, when a guy sticks his whole freakin' tongue in your mouth and tries to basically choke you with it.
  • When he just slides it in for a quick feel around, and pulls it back out!
  • The pointy little tongue, where they like, just peck it in and out of your mouth over and over again... EW!
  • I can't stand when a guy wants to suck on my tongue...
  • One time this guy ran his tongue all along my gums, and that was real weird!
  • I had one guy actually suck on my chin once, which was the creepiest thing ever.

    Obviously, a recurring theme is saliva control (or the lack thereof). I would think this one would be obvious. As one of my friends said, take a second to swallow. Is it that hard to figure out that we don't want spit all over our faces?

    One of my personal worst experiences was when a guy did something one of my friends dubbed "The Vaccuum Cleaner". Basically, he took his lips and clamped them around both of my lips and sucked -- hard -- creating a vaccuum-like feel. Let me tell ya, that guy didn't get a call back. And I love it when a guy tries to use his tongue too much -- it reminds me a lot of a dying fish, flopping around as it takes its last breaths.

    Now, this may sound harsh, but I'm not trying to be mean. Think of this as a learning experience -- a chance to improve your technique.

    I think the lesson to be learned here is that most women do not like a lot of tongue, or spit, or sucking, or anything like that. Be soft, and gentle. A little tongue action here and there is a good thing -- too much kills it. We don't want to be gasping for air when we finally separate, because their tongue was shoved back around our tonsils. We don't want to have a rash around our mouth because your five o'clock shadow was scratching our mouth. We don't want to have to grab a napkin as soon as the kissing ends because someone couldn't control their saliva.

    Take notes, and keep this in mind in the future. Just because no girl has complained before does not mean you are a good kisser. We don't complain -- to you. But all of her friends will get to hear about the guy who sucked on her chin, or choked her with his tongue. Use this as a learning experience, and maybe girls will have one less topic of conversation to discuss over drinks together.
  • 8 comments:

    Angry White Guy said...

    Soooooo...

    Ummmm...

    Will you be holding classes?

    *covers his head and runs for his life*

    Wave Maker said...

    seems to me kissing is a profound and complicated manner of communication, which, because it is two-way, requires that a guy "listen," which is not something most guys are very good at. That and asking for directions.

    Don_cos said...

    So Cassy, how about a follow up on women's best kissing experience? And a survey from the male perspective might also do well. I can tell you from experience that women can also turn men off with bad kissing.

    Anonymous said...

    That's why I never kiss them on the mouth......... just kidding...I will agree with don_cos there are some really bad female kissers out there also.

    Anonymous said...

    Hmmm....

    I can't help but feel that it's more complicated than that. Each of the women that I have spent time with have had either minor or major differences in how they kissed, and how they responded to kissing styles.

    You've kinda gotta be aware...

    The biggest problems for me in a new relationship have always been doing for the new girl what the old girl liked. It takes time to re-tune yourself to the one you are with...

    Bilwick said...

    My mother always told me I was the best kisser she ever met. I don't think she'd lie to me.

    Angry White Guy said...

    Bilwick said...
    My mother always told me I was the best kisser she ever met. I don't think she'd lie to me.

    There are just so many things wrong with that...

    Bookworm said...

    I had the chin sucking kiss about 20 years ago and still haven't gotten over the gross factor. Don't. Ever. Do. That. Guys.